


Stay Alive

by kyle_strider



Category: One Day at a Time (TV 2017)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Self Harm, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-06 18:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17944865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyle_strider/pseuds/kyle_strider
Summary: Elena Alvarez has always been pushed to the side. Whether it be people at school or her own family, no one seems to care about her. Syd comes to help her





	Stay Alive

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!! SELF HARM AND TALKS OF SUICIDE
> 
> This is my first piece of work on here and the first piece of fanfiction I have written in over 5 years so enjoy. I do not own any of the characters in this story.

Elena’s POV

I got home today not feeling too well. Walking into our bright yellow living room felt off, just like it had for years. The house was a house but I struggled with the homey feel of it all. Abuelita dramatically opened her curtains. “Papito! How was school today! How many of the girls have complimented you?”

“Abuelita! So this one girl two grades older than me stopped me to ta-” and just like this, no one even noticed me. I was the least important person in this family so I was always last when it came to things. After he stopped talking I finally said something to try to bring attention to myself.

“Someone actually used my compost bin today! And I managed to do it without someone throwing food in my face!” I gave a smile and looked around to see their faces. Abuelita sipped from her cup and Alex just smirked.

“It was sad not being able to see a hamburger on Elena’s face at lunch. But the hamburger incident will be a fun story to tell Syd when they come over tonight though.” My real smile left and instead I tried a fake one. He sat down on the couch while I moved to the table. He finished his story. “But anyway, she was asking me if she could get my number.”

It was easy for me to zone out. I did it all the time. I didn’t pay attention to Alex and Abuelitas conversation. I didn’t realise Mami had walked into the kitchen and started making dinner. I didn’t realise I was all alone at the table. It was a weird feeling that I had gotten used to. The world still went on when I couldn’t even get out of my own head. Thoughts of the bullying and stuff like that ran through my head. All the thoughts of my mistakes came across and I had to stop. I was on the verge of a panic attack and I could not let that happen in front of everyone. Shaking myself out of a daze, I looked around. Mami and Abuelita were making ropa veija in the kitchen. Alex sat on the couch with his laptop and some headphones. Somewhere during my daze, I pulled out my homework and sat it at the table. I did a couple of problems but I realised that they were wrong. I ran my fingers through my hair and tugged a bit. Why could I not do this? This was easy math that I knew how to do, but I felt like I got dumber and dumber by the second. I got up and finally spoke.

“Mami can I help you cook?”

“Elena wants to cook? Aren’t you worried about us training you to be a child bride?” Mami said. She gave a chuckle and I just kinda looked down.

“I just wanted to do something different for once and Abuelita wants me to learn anyway. Might as well go ahead and do it.” I walked into the kitchen and looked around to see what I could do.

“Elena, ¿por qué quieres ayudar ahora que tuviste todas las oportunidades para ayudar otro día?” I tried to ignore Abuelita.

My mom started talking in Spanish to respond to Abuelita. “Mami acaba de dejarla ayudar. Elena, why don’t you go cut the peppers up for us?” I nodded and headed over to the cutting board. Abuelita danced her way over to me and handed me a knife. I took it from her hands and looked at it. Nausea washed through me and I dropped the knife.

“I’m sorry but I feel sick all of a sudden.” I ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. After turning on the sink, I sat on the floor of the bathroom and listened to the water running. I felt my mind slip into a different state. _Why are you even trying anymore? You can see how annoyed your whole family is by you. Give up already. Even your dad has left you._

“Stop it” I whispered. My phone dinged with a message but I ignored it. I was too busy trying to get back into a good enough mental state. What was going on with me? I needed to get over myself. I sat there listening to the faint sounds in the kitchen. After a while, I heard Schneider walk in and mom make fun of him for always being here. The poor guy. He didn’t have a family and looked for relief of the pain in ours. Yet my family joked about him being here. I felt bad for him but he never seemed to show any problems with it. Then again, no one ever does.

I stood up and turned off the water. My hands held me up as I leaned against the counter. The mirror stared back at me. My hair was a mess because I lacked the motivation to take care of it. During my mini breakdown, the long sleeves of my blue shirt had rolled up. I rolled them down and went back into the living room. Everyone was laughing at some joke Schneider had said right before I walked out. Mami looked at me and actually spoke to me.

“Hey, how you feeling baby?” 

“I just feel nauseous. I’m gonna go to my room and rest. When Syd gets here, just send them to my room and we will come out for dinner.” I grabbed my school bag and homework and drug myself to my room where I knew I was going to fall into the bad state of mind.

Thankfully my door locked. I think if it didn’t, things would have been so much different for me and the only one who had the key for it was Syd. I sat on the edge of my bed and grabbed my phone from my pocket. I slightly remembered getting a notification in the bathroom so I checked it. It was a text message from Syd

 _Hey babe I just wanted to know if it was still okay for me to come over? I was also gonna ask to stay the night._ A smile crept upon my face and I started crying. I did not want them to see me like this but at the same time, I needed them so bad. I wasn’t too sure how much longer I could deal with this on my own. I wiped my tears and texted back. 

_Please come and stay the night. I really need someone tonight._ I regretted sending the text as soon as I sent it. Why was I pathetic? I couldn’t even do this simple thing on my own. I wanted to be a strong independent woman but now I was relying on my significant other to help me through my own problems? Ridiculous. The sound of my family laughing in the kitchen pierced through my thoughts. They had so much fun without me huh? I looked at my door and saw that it was locked. My phone dinged and I looked at it. Syd said they’d be here as soon as possible. That gave me about five minutes. I looked at the drawer next to my bed. Was it worth it? I reached into the drawer and grabbed the small box and some tissues and climbed through the window to sit on the fire escape. It was slightly chilly but not too bad. I sat on the ground and felt the wind hit my face. I looked up at the sky.

It was such a huge world and I was just a small person. I am constantly protesting and fighting for what I believe its right but does it matter? If I disappeared today, someone could easily take my spot to fight for the right things. The thoughts slowly kept coming back. _You are worthless. Everything you do is pointless. Just go ahead and kill yourself. Your family would be happy they wouldn’t have to listen to you bitch about stupid shit like equality. No one wants you. You’re gay and even your dad didn’t want you because of that. End it all now and everyone will be better off without you._

“Stop it!” I yelled while grabbing my hair and pulling with tears running down my face. “Just stop it. I know I should kill myself.” Then I thought of Syd. I loved them so much. Here I was wanting to be gone and not caring about how I would leave them behind. God, I was so selfish. I reached into the box I brought with me and took out a razor blade. I stared at the shiny metal and felt the slightest relief just thinking about it. Rolling my sleeve up, I looked at the scars on my arm, the reason for my long sleeves. There were so many thin white scars that I tried so hard to hide. When I told people online about it, everyone said they weren't surprised. I was a gay kid who went to a Catholic school. I didn’t realise how obvious it was but then again, no one in real life ever noticed.

I pressed the blade to my wrist and started making small cuts. I didn’t deserve to be alive. I watched the blood bubble up slowly. It was such a great feeling that I missed so much. The blood helped me feel alive again. The pain was something that grounded me to reality. I knew I couldn’t make deep marks on my wrist though. It was too obvious and too dangerous so I moved up to my shoulder. This one had deep scars. It disgusted me to see them yet I left another one. The blood ran down more than normal and I had to quickly put a napkin to it. This was a mistake. I put the blade on my window sill and held the napkin there until it stopped. I let out a sigh of relief as I instantly felt so much better. This one thing kept me alive and helped me. But then I heard someone jiggle my doorknob. 

“Elena I’m coming in!” Syd said through the door. I climbed through the window, threw the tissues in my trashcan, and rolled down my sleeve while I simultaneously jumped onto my bed. Syd walked in, holding their key and bags. I smiled at them.

“Hey love! So glad to see you.” I said. I laid on the bed and sighed as they sat their stuff down.

“So is everything okay? I was a little worried about you after that text so I power walked the entire way. I just wanted to be there for you and oh my god I’m so sorry that’s kinda cliche.” Syd started rambling. I just chuckled and answered.

“No babe you’re okay. Just feeling a little down is all. Want some physical company.” I hated lying but I was independent. I didn’t need someone to pity me for my own problems. That was pathetic.

“Oh okay. Well, your mom wanted me to tell you that they are almost done with dinner so I figured we could start a new episode of Doctor Who.” They were so amazing. They knew just how to make me feel better. I didn’t deserve them honestly. I was a depressed mess who cuts and they are literal sunshine. After giving them a smile, we put on Doctor Who and sat on my bed to cheer me up. After a few minutes, Syd laid their head on my shoulder and I instinctively winced. Syd looked at me and started apologising.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry! Are you okay!” and then they paused. “Why is your shoulder bleeding through your shirt..” I looked down and saw the blood seeping through my sleeve. Wide-eyed, I jumped up and started walking backwards toward the window. They also got up and started walking towards me. “Elena, what's going on? Are you okay?”

“Syd it's not what you think! I, uh, got attacked by a squirrel earlier. I hear that's a pretty common thing actually.” I was trying to cover up until I made it to the window and hit the wall. Right next to my hand was my blade. I forgot to hide it when Syd got here and they had already seen it. They froze as they stared at the blade that I had used earlier, still covered in blood. Then, their voice got really soft.

“You hurt yourself..” They barely whispered and walked back to the bed. I knew they would be disappointed in me and I should have just killed myself earlier before they got here. I started walking towards them to try and explain.

“Syd, please. I don’t know why I do and it was a one-time thing. I just wanted to see what it was like!” I lied. They grabbed my arm and I winced. Their face filled with sadness as they lifted up my sleeve to reveal cuts and scars. I looked away from them. 

“I had a suspicion but I always pushed it to the side. Elena, why do you do this to yourself?” Their voice cracked. I took in a shaky breath and answered.

“I don’t feel like I should be alive but this is also the only thing that keeps me alive as well. I am always the subject of ridicule and I was just so tired of it. This was the only thing I could do to make it better and I couldn’t talk to you because I didn’t want you to realise how pathetic I am and leave me for someone else who could keep their shit together.” I watched as Syd walked to the door, afraid they were going to leave or worse, go get my mom. But instead, they shut the door and locked it. They started rummaging through their bag and told me to take my shirt off. I really didn’t want to cause scars littered my entire body but I did anyway. I sat there just in a bra as they pulled out a first aid kit. We sat down on the bed and they started to bandage up my arm.

“It's not okay, I hope you know that. Hurting yourself is never okay and I can tell you’ve been doing it for a while. But I am your significant other and I want to make sure you’re always okay. Don’t be afraid to tell me these things. But. This is a very serious thing so I want you to stop. I want you to talk to me when you feel like hurting yourself and find some other coping mechanism. If you don’t, we are going to have to tell your mom. I just want what's best for you, even if that means forcing you to stop.” I was crying at this point. No one had ever cared about me this much and yet here was Syd staying by my side. I knew stopping wasn't going to be easy but I could see how hurt they were and I realised that if I was going to stop at all, it would be for them. I nodded and looked at my newly bandaged arm. Syd grabbed my arm gently and placed their hands on my scars. I felt embarrassed and pathetic again but I knew they weren’t judging me. I knew this moment I needed to stop. No matter how hard it was. I slowly put my shirt back on and hugged them while crying. “It's going to be okay Elena. I love you.”

“I love you too Syd,” I said. I then leaned over and kissed them.

“Elena! Syd! Dinner is ready! Come before Schneider eats it all!” I smiled at Syd and wiped my eyes.

“Let's go eat some food. And then we can talk more about it once we are done,” Syd suggested.

“I would love to talk about it. I can’t do this on my own.”


End file.
